Good afternoon people, because morning is for microscopic creatures that live inside your nostrils. Today is April 2nd, and that’s the truth… April fools does not extend into the second, don’t believe anyone who told you that yesterday.
April 2014 is going to be a month i’ll never forget, it will be filled with stress, love, anger, courage, pain (physical and emotional), overwhelming ambition followed by crippling fear. I will soar and I will plummet. I’m making a movie — and my mother is coming to visit.
I moved apartments yesterday… my seamless guy thought I was fucking around with him when I finally wrote “BUZZER WORKING BITCHES” in the special directions — I realize now that only people who know that I haven’t had a working buzzer since 2004 will understand why it’s amazing. It’s amazing. Now when someone is on my block they can just buzz, and then I buzz them in, and then they are in and I didn’t even have to put on socks. They will enter my apartment, I’ll give them a cold beer, and we’ll buzz all night. buzz buzz buzz.
Now on to something that’s not buzz-worthy at all. Right now all my stuff is in boxes or wishes it was in boxes. I am sitting on a couch that was placed by instinct alone and no careful planning, next to at least 20 furniture items that had the same fate. We are scattered across this apartment, all of us, searching for our place in this world. I can’t unpack until I move some stuff around and I can’t move stuff around until I have time to do so. You’d think because I’m writing the whinings that I have some time… nope that’s a false statement. Writing the whinings is part of a tightly packed schedule that has NO time for moving furniture around.
Things to think about today:
1. Why does chinese food for breakfast make you immediately sleepy again?
2. Movers touched all my stuff, are they a part of me now?
3. When is the right time to throw rice everywhere? (sans wedding)
4. If I had a kite, would I use it for good or evil?
5. How much harder (numerically) is it to achieve an orgasm after your parent has sent you a picture of their naked butt?
6. What reason in the world could a parent have to send their child a picture of their naked butt?
I may not be able to post this today, I’m writing about the unknown, unknowing if these words will make it to your eyes. Aimlessly working, writing away, and you may never even see it. I guess I continue only because I have some sort of faith that It’ll work out and this entry will get posted, and you’ll see it, and you’ll love it, and you’ll love me. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if everything I knew was a lie?
I’ve been asked to talk about my feelings regarding #cockinsock. It’s kind of wonderful and weird and spectacular and affirms my belief that NYC Summer 2014 will be a borderline nudist colony. Anyway, dudes are getting naked, it’s whinings worthy. I don’t really care about the cancer, because we all know it’s just a noble excuse to show off your junk. Which is fine, please show off your junk — show it off all over the place. Men, you’ve been loosely covered by boxers for too long. Drop trou, throw on a sock and let me see that pelvis line. I don’t care if you’re a douche or a famer’s son, I just want to see the D (in a sock).
A note on nudity in our culture:
(straight) Guys get pissed when they see other dicks, while at the same time want to show everyone their dicks. You can’t have both.
Women see other girls T&A 24/7 and it doesn’t really matter what they feel about it because it aint going away. Sorry ladies (or not, if you like it).
Here is a sneak peak into the life of H2K (with links!)
1. I’m opening an art gallery called Underground Soho www.undergroundsoho.com – I realize the timing of this and the show Girls is uncanny. I am a living joke. I get it.
2. I’m performing as my rapper alter ego Hila The Killa at 9pm TONIGHT at Otto’s Shrunken Head. The songs I’ll be performing can be listened to ahead of time on my youtube channel.https://www.youtube.com/user/Climeahila
3. “Climeahila” was a nickname given to me in 3rd grade due to my protruding belly. All the kids would yell… oh its Hila, lets go climb a Hill, a hill, a hill….. After the trauma surpassed, I decided to own it and regain control. Unfortunately I didn’t know how to spell “Climb”, also, at a glance it looks like Chlamydia. This was my screen name for over 5 years.
4. I love farting in front of people for the comedic effect, but my farts are usually silent and its really disappointing.
OKAY that’s it. Yup, I shamelessly promoted everything I’m doing. Wait until next week when I shamelessly promote this blog and my fundraising efforts to show more D in the media.
Love you all… maybe see you tonight? Who KNOWS>