Good evening coastal people, It is 8:40pm in my hometown of New York, but I am actually writing these Whinings from Los Angeles, where it is still mid afternoon. So suck it. Today is May 14th, a fine day for travel. Last week’s Whinings were definitely an experiment of wits, this weeks… who knows.
I wanted to write this on the plane, but US Airways hasn’t conformed to the zombie apocalypse and installed outlets on their planes. Therefore I jotted down notes, and even wrote this sentence while my computer was holding on for dear life.
“I’m back! I feel like a thousand chipmunks fist pumping out of a plastic cage into the world, like a pair of loose breasts on a morning jog, like a street meat hotdog that fell on the floor – no one is going to eat you, you’re free!”
I wish I knew exactly the thought that preceded this, because I’m sure it was undeserving. But yes, I feel like I’m reborn. I feel like I can conquer it all (even constipation).
OKAY — Things that were on my mind, earlier in the day, on the flight — they count because it was still wednesday… somewhere:
1. Babies make everything better:
There is nothing more aggravating than TSA security lines, especially when you’re smuggling condoms full of coke in your butthole. But on this fine day, there was a comradery of laughter and love in the security checkpoint. A baby, of walking and facial expression age was on the verge of tears for about 15 minutes. Granted, it was probably the cutest thing in the world, I don’t think it should warrant a complete shift in attitude when your job is to instill fear in people and make them think you’re jerking off to their naked xray picture. Everyone was so busy cooing at this baby they didn’t even notice that I wasn’t wearing a bra. Whatever, I don’t care.
2. Forgetting to turn on music when you have ear buds in your ears:
This gets more aggravating depending on how long you’ve forgotten for… I think we can all sympathize and I don’t want to get everyone riled up for nothing. Just turn your music on.
3. LA is ridiculously hot right now:
Besides the fact that there may be more beautiful people here than in NY, it is also currently the middle of a heatwave. My poor body cannot handle this oppression of senses. I really wanted summer to come, I prayed, I begged… this was not what I meant, I mean not without a pool anyway!
In other news, I’m participating in a comedy festival this weekend — and now that i’ve said that you’re never going to laugh at anything I write ever again, out of spite, and you shouldn’t, I use child labor to get my best jokes, and I out source to china. But anyway, in light of the amount of shmoozing I’m about to do, I decided maybe it’s time for some tips and tricks of the trade.
HILA’S RULES OF NETWORKING / SCHMOOZING / DICK SUCKING FOR PROFESSIONAL EVENTS.
1. Pick your target, you don’t want someone too big because you will choke — look for someone about your size and if you feel confident go for the slightly bigger person. Challenges are good and everyone will respect you for it.
2. You want to start slow, up and down, just look the person up and down. Get a sense of their size, smell, posture. Then insert them in your mouth.
3. Once they’re in there, really work them, ask them where they’re from, what they’re doing, who they love, who they’ve loved in the past, if they have bad connections… pull out immediately.
4. If you feel like the conversation is going well and they are reaching the height of excitement with you, start using your hands with elaborate gestures and hold on to their sensitive spots. Ask them about their childhood, the scariest thing thats ever happened to them, ask them about mother.
5. Steer clear of the release. A good shmooze will always have a moment of release, don’t let it get all over you, because no one wants to know you just came from schmoozing someone else. Politely excuse yourself and give them a courtesy tissue.
I want a burrito. But I’m in LA. Like, there are literally millions of burritos surrounding me right now. Why don’t I get one you ask? BECAUSE FOOL… I need to save money calories. And plus, I’m not really hungry… I’m just craving something delicious in my mouth after writing that whole shmoozing post.
NEW SEGMENT – LETTER OF THE DAY
Today’s Letter of the Day is A (yeah I start at the top so what), and here are my favorite “A” words:
- Antimony (yup, this is not a word I know the definition for)
Okay little darlings, I have to get on to finish a paper that I didn’t do because I was stuck babysitting tiny sea monkeys. and OH HEY, and if you have a twitter — follow me @hilathekilla, i’m being generally amusing and documenting my solo vacation in Los Anheles.
Until next time or something weird like that